“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” (Matthew 5:4) This was the one article I have put aside and avoided writing over and over again. This is such a tough situation. On one hand, parenting by the biological parents should be celebrated and supported (in most cases); on the other hand, we, the potential adoptive parents, experience a loss similar to those who have been pregnant and had a miscarriage. Failed... Read more…

Connections. They are what make life complete, allowing you to relate to another human being. We all have strong connections with our family, friends, or those we have known a long time. But how can we connect with an expectant mother we haven’t even met? How do we form a bond with someone who is faced with one of the biggest decisions of her life: Whether or not to place her baby for adoption? Through my experiences with adoption, I have found there are a few important things you can do when you Read more…

The day you’ve been waiting for has arrived: a potential birth mom is interested in you and wants to meet. No doubt you’re feeling a variety of emotions: excited, nervous, happy, and apprehensive. How do you make sure your meeting goes well? Here are some tips that can definitely make a difference. • Admit You’re Nervous. When my husband and I met with a potential birth mom for the first time during the adoption process, we told her right away that we were nervous. She smiled and replied that she was too. Adoption is a big, life-altering event for... Read more…

Many couples considering adoption wonder what relationship, if any, they will have with their child’s birth mom. How will this person fit into your life and your child’s life? What role will she play? Having been through the adoption process, I can honesty tell you that it all works out. In fact, one day you may even be amazed at just how special this person has become to you. I remember when my husband and I met our daughter’s birth mom – a complete stranger – at the hospital just hours before she gave birth. I was almost 37 at the time and had... Read more…

As is part of the adoption process, sometimes plans can change at the last minute, leaving adoptive families devastated. While everyone keeps in mind the rights and wishes of the birthmother and what is best for the baby, it is hard to comes to terms with your hopes and dreams being shattered. Hope is something that families looking to adopt develop the ability to master. The ability to optimistically will something to come to fruition that you have no control over. However, when the fruits don’t come to fruition, that ability to continue to hope can truly... Read more…

What should I do if I get an inquiry from overseas?  Are there legitimate expectant mothers looking to place with US adoptive parents?  I know Adoptimist has blocked international traffic.   Adopting from overseas involves immigration determinations and almost always requires the establishment of orphan status in the prospective adoptee.  Children are prohibited from being brought to the US for the express purpose of adoption.  Because of these restrictions and limitations, along with the high incidence of fraudulent intent associated with international... Read more…

I was recently contacted on the Adoptimist website. How do I identify a legitimate connection versus one that is from a scammer? The person that contacted me did bring up finances right away, which I hear is a big red flag. As I mentioned in a previous column, there is no substitute for meeting in-person, reviewing prenatal records and evaluating responsiveness when it comes to sizing-up an expectant mother. Keep in mind that many expectant mothers are under pressure financially [and emotionally]. So requests for financial assistance have to be expected as... Read more…

We are currently connected with two expectant mothers who are considering adoption. We definitely prefer one over the other. But should we keep both connections going for as long as we can? What is the proper etiquette for handling multiple connections and how do we keep from offending anyone? Often, the decision to favor one expectant mother over another is a judgment call made with the benefit of limited information.  It is important to be honest with yourself and with the expectant mother.  Is someone truly your back-up choice - there only if the... Read more…