We are currently connected with two expectant mothers who are considering adoption. We definitely prefer one over the other. But should we keep both connections going for as long as we can? What is the proper etiquette for handling multiple connections and how do we keep from offending anyone?
Often, the decision to favor one expectant mother over another is a judgment call made with the benefit of limited information. It is important to be honest with yourself and with the expectant mother. Is someone truly your back-up choice - there only if the preferred choice doesn’t pan out? If so, does the back-up expectant mother think she is the one you have your heart set on? You may not get the same honesty from the expectant mother, but this shouldn’t be a reason for not being forthright yourself. Don’t tell anyone she is your “first choice” or “only possibility” if this is not actually the case. Do as much as you can to make your selection clearer - go and meet the expectant mother, gather as much medical documentation as you can, ask for and exchange more photos, etc. But don’t express motivation that isn’t true - you would not want the same to be done to you.
I’ve heard from several different people on the Adoptimist site. How do I know when I’ve developed a good connection?
A lot is based on feel. But there is no substitute for meeting in-person, reviewing prenatal records and evaluating responsiveness when it comes to sizing-up an expectant mother. So many expectant mothers are under pressure financially [and emotionally], that requests for financial assistance have to be expected as part of the process. But heavy-handed demands for money [and sometimes more elaborate, albeit subtle, requests for cash] can be tip-offs that an expectant mother is not completely legitimate.