Nazli & Ben

https://www.adoptimist.com/adoption-parent-profile/35564

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Last Activity: 10 hours ago
Nazli & Ben

Love and Loyalty in Family, and Faith in God

Dear Expectant Mother:

I do not want to assume I know you or your situation. I cannot imagine a more challenging situation to face, like the one you are currently facing. I know we share different perspectives, you and I. But I am sure we both share some fears about the future—for me, it is about the kind of parent I have always aspired to be. For you, the fear may be about whether you are making the right decision. I am sure you are grappling with a number of emotions. And I am sure there are many options you have already considered. I want to thank you in advance for considering an adoption plan for your baby.
Our perspectives are so different. I grappled with strong emotions when I realized I could not conceive. And you are now faced with your own challenging situation.
Please know, that whatever the future holds, whether you choose us, other prospective parents, or choose an alternative route, that we respect your decision.

With Gratitude,
Nazli & Ben

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Who We Are

I would like the opportunity to share some things about my husband and I. We an intelligent, kind and happy couple. We can be the goofiest and funniest people when we are around each other. I think we agree, that our favorite thing to do, is laugh. So, we laugh about silly things and we laugh about the crazy things. At the same time, we are honest, loving and compassionate. We look after and care for one another. We have a passion for justice and humanity. My husband actively attends church and I meditate & pray every day.
We were not without our own problems. We faced some challenges in our twenties. We met in college when I was only 19 and he was 20. I always tell people, that we grew up together. We are now 38 and 39 years old. In all honesty, while “growing up together” we faced our own challenges such as figuring out what we wanted out of life. My husband recently made a life altering decision to change careers. He realized he just wasn’t happy being a lawyer. He now works as a truck driver.
Last year, I received my license for professional counseling. I work with children ages 3-12 as well as adults, parents and families.
We have waited for the right time to consider adopting a baby, until our financial situation was secure and until we had a nice home. We are blessed to say that we have so much to be thankful for…but to be honest I wish we had a little baby to look after.

Adoption Diary

August 12th, 2019

I’ve decided to take my time with the process and consult the people I can trust in this journey.  This includes, one of the people (who I have yet to meet in person) and who is slowly becoming our hero, Ted, our attorney. 
There is another realization I have had to come face to face with:  that this adoption thing may not work out.  I may have many days and perhaps my whole life without ever experiencing motherhood.  Some days I am fine with this thought.  Ben and I have a good life and we are happy.  But other days, I am not ok with this idea.  It feels unfair, and I feel I am grieving the loss of something I never had, all over again.  It doesn’t always present as sadness as it does in this moment.  Sometimes I feel angry and bitter—I am not myself.
When I feel sad, I have to remind myself why we are doing what we are doing.  Why are we going through this emotional rollercoaster?  It is so that we can ultimately make a better life for another soul—for the baby.  But…we are also doing this to enrich our own lives, not to make it worse.
It is a hard thing to accept that God has “other plans” for us.  But if I say (as I do so often) that I believe in God’s plan, then why the sadness?  Why the fear?  If I say I believe the path the Divine is leading me down, then I have to believe that God knows better than me, and is mightier, stronger, wiser than me.  And ultimately, whatever happens, it is for the better.

 

August 11th, 2019

I’ve taken some off social media to reflect and process the events of last week.
Ben and I decided to contact an adoption facilitator in CA and it was, both, interesting and frustrating to learn how eager people are to take advantage of couples who want to have a child.
About 10 days ago I contacted an adoption facilitator who also claims to be a clinical psychologist. In her past she was a marriage and family therapist, and she has done extensive research in attachment and bonding in babies.  She seemed very unique in that she is present when most birth mothers go into labor and give birth to the babies.  Being in the field for almost 30 years, she has become an agent to connect birth mothers with prospective adoptive parents.
There were definitely some red flags along the way as I think back.  When I first called her I had to ask her 3 different times for her rates in a span of a 12 minutes conversation.  She waited 10 minutes into the conversation before she explained how much she charges.  She built rapport quickly, gave her pitch, asked what kind of a baby we were interested in and told me that there are currently 2 birth mothers she knows of who were looking for adoptive parents.  At the end of the conversation she told me her rates:  $950 for the initial 2-3-hour interview and $16,000 later.
I talked it over with my husband who initially thought it was a good idea.  Right before we went to bed he asked, “have you researched her to make sure she is who she says she is?”  This was a fair point and I soon discovered that She had, both, glowing and distasteful reviews.  I inquired further via email, and she was happy to provide a lengthy email to explain these negative reviews and what had happened with the adoptive parents.
I emailed her back and thanked her for taking the time to explain the situation.  I told her that we would contact our lawyer here in Knoxville to inquire about adoption facilitators, knowing that there are different adoption laws according to each state.
Red flag #2:  She responded immediately and stated the following:  “I think it would be better if you talked to a California attorney because you use the laws of the state where the birthmom lives OR the state where the adoptive parents live.” She then instructed us to give an attorney located in California a call.
When we talked to our attorney he explained that it was illegal and a “criminal offense” for TN residents to pay for an adoption facilitator anywhere in the country.
I mulled over this information for a day or two.  I realized I was angry with the adoption facilitator for a couple of reasons: 1) She was giving us wrong legal advice when it was not her place to do so, and 2) she would have made a legitimate amount of money from us and it would have been us, not her, who paid a costly price.

From the research I have done in a short amount of time, I realize there are many heartbreaking situations for adoptive parents.  There are many people who are willing to take advantage of couples who want to adopt a baby.  The issue:  it’s an emotionally taxing journey, if you allow it to be.  The lesson:  if you make decisions solely through your emotions, you may get taken advantage of.  The plan:  Involve God in the process, and you won’t go it alone.

Thank You for Visiting Our Adoption Profile

We want to thank you for considering us as adoptive parents for your child.

We truly appreciate your kindness and strength and look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Nazli & Ben

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Nazli & Ben